A Short Memoir; Using Patrick Lane's First Paragraph as a Model
Use Patrick Lane’s first paragraph (128 words; your paragraph should be the same length exactly) as a model to write about a memory of your own. You may use some of his words; for example, I follow the model of Lane’s first sentence but tell my own story: “Back in the summer of 1974, I was 18 years old, working for the cook and living in a mining exploration camp with 23 men 50 kilometers shy of the Arctic Circle.”
Note how I've used the same number of words (32) and almost the same structure. Do the same, as much as you can. Post to the blog as a “comment”; I will post an example on the weekend. Bring your work, word processed and double spaced, to class that day.
If you would like to read the first draft writing I did in class, these are provided below in Word 2007 format (docx).
Link to the narrative I wrote in English 12 class.
Link to the narrative I wrote in English 11 class.
24 comments:
Back in the winter of 2003, I was eight years old, landing in a new foreign land clutching my mom’s hand for support. I came to this unknown land nearly ten years ago, it was scary and yet frightening at the same time. I felt insecure without my mom’s hand, and yet I was scared, I didn’t want to leave home, I didn’t say good byes to my friends, I don’t want to leave my daring grandparents, we left without saying a word. It seemed there was a long wait at the airport, but I finally saw my dad, he was glad to see me. It was then I started my life as a foreigner, on an unfamiliar land without knowing anything about this particular beautiful but devastating continent.
Back in the summer of 1974, I was 18 years old, working for the cook and living in a mining exploration camp with 23 men 50 kilometers shy of the Arctic Circle. (32 words) I had a job helping the camp cook for a company called Cominco that was diamond drilling for core samples of silver and gold ore hidden under the arctic tundra now threatened by climate change. (35 words) I remember walking atop an *esker into the wind to keep the masses of voracious mosquitoes at bay. (18 words) I stood there relishing the lack of bugs as I stared into the distance at rocks and boulders as far as I could see. (24 words) The whine of insects was constant. (6 words) The only gift given on that early spring day was a hard, driving wind. (14 words)
* a long narrow winding ridge of sand or gravel, deposited by a stream flowing under a glacier
It’s a challenge! Note the length of each sentence and then play around with ideas and statements until you come close to the length. Good luck getting those long sentences right. It takes perseverance and a good eye for detail.
Remember that the basic “main idea” of your sentences can be different but try to remain coherent and say something meaningful.
Back in late February of 2011, I was 16 years old, living with my mother and brother in a three-bedroom townhouse drifting down the almighty queens avenue cliff, a few blocks from the school. (32 words) I had been in high school for three years now and refused to skip class for any unnecessary reason in fear that I would not understand the curriculum on my return so many days later. (35 words) I remember leaving on a forced vacation the day of a math test with absolutely no prior knowledge. (18 words) I stood outside school shivering in my flimsy brown sweater as I waited to be picked up by my father and his new family. (24 words) The sky was dense and fogged. (6 words) Its only gift that late winter day was a consistent fall of Vancouver rain. (14 words)
Back in late March of 1994 I was almost thirty-four years old, travelling with my three children and our pets in an over-packed mini van leaving Ontario moving to the west coast.(32 words)
I left my job driving school bus and we packed up and left everything that didn’t fit in the van which in the end turned out to be the best decision for us all.( 34 words)
I remember navigating cities I’d never been in before with help from my son and detailed a map.(18 words)
I drove until I could sit no longer and even resorted to using a thick Sunday newspaper to help ease tension in my back.(24 words)
The road was long and lonely.(6 words)
Its only end at cheap motels each night with sweet relief from backseat melodramas.(14 words)
128 words
Karen Smith
Back in early October of 2008, I was 27 years old, living with my aunt in a two bedroom condominium. I just arrive from the Philippines and was hoping for a better future here in Canada.(36 words) I had a job in a gasoline station as a cashier. The first few weeks is challenging, I have to cope up with the pressure at work. I have to learn the monetary value that Canadians use and how to use the POS system as well.(46 words) I remember going to work was a long journey. I have to ride two buses and it will take me 45 minutes to arrive at work.(26 words) It’s a challenge to wait at the bus stop shivering in cold specially in a icy and windy winter day.(20 words)
Back in late February of 1994, I was 17 years old, leaving Taiwan for the very first time in my life with my 14-year-old cousin only and a full load of luggage. (32 words) I had not graduated from high school nor had any work experience but needed to look after my younger cousin and adapted to the new environment where no adult relative lived nearby in Canada.(34 words) I remember stepping out of the airport and breathing the chilling air of Vancouver City after the snow. (18 words) I stood there shivering in my heavy snowsuit as I waited to be picked up by the homestay parent I had never met before. (24 words) The ground was wet and slippery. (6 words) The only gift given on that late winter day was a frigid, stinging snow. (14 words)
Back in the summer of 2006, I was 16 years old, enjoying the summer holidays and exploring the exotic places with my four cousins in the prosperous northern part of historical India. (32 words) I had a job helping my cousins in collecting and assembling all the important information and capturing the pictures of famous tourist attraction places which would help them in completion of their holiday’s assignments. (34 words) I remember leaving the house and walking out to enjoy the day in the hot and muggy weather. (18 words) I stood there sweating in my tank top as I waited to get the entry tickets for Rock Garden by the ticket master.(24 words) The sky was clear and blue.(6 words) Its only gift that sunny day was sun poking us directly with its sunrays. (14 words)
128 words
Back in the early summer of 1989, I was 17 years old, living with my parents in a suburban community 20 kilometers away from the city center where most factories were located. (32) I had a summer job working on an assembly line as a packer in a well known local bottling company that was distributing soft drinks to the private and public stores around the nearest cities. (35) I remember waking up at 5:00 AM and rushing for the bus when sun started chasing the night. (18) I stood on a bus stop looking at the birth of a new dawn and listening to birds greeting the day with their cheerful songs.(24) That morning was warm and fragrant.(6) Its only gift given to the people were the sincere, refreshing rays of sun.(14)
Hi Everyone,
Two students have caught an error in my example (which I will leave up in any case) where the second sentence should contain 34 words and not 35.
As I said to one of them, if any student comes within one word (127 or 129), he or she has done very well. If you nail 128 hooray!
My apologies! See you Wednesday.
Sept. 24, 2013
Back in the winter of 1998, I was 23 years old, studying in an electrical engineering college and living in a quiet apartment with 2 girls 5 kilometers north of Aleppo city. I was preparing for the graphic final exam with two close friends whom I have known since my lovely childhood where we lived in a charming lake side village away from the noisy dusty city. I remember an attractive tall lady who wore a pretty tight pink dress with white dots and lines. She explained her failure in the exam last year because she was raped and hit by her father in the basement of his work. Her story shocked and scared me. The only thing that flashed in my mind is beauty can be a curse.
128 words
Back early December 2004, I was 14 years old, living with my mom and dad in a thatched house with a big flowery garden half a kilometer away from Darul Aman Palace. (32 words) I had job carrying 80 to 90 kilograms barrels of color with people who were above the age of 20 in the Colorful Color Factory where Kabul’s biggest historical museum was attached to it. (34) I remember smelling the dried coldness and walking in Darul Aman Street by pressing the fragile frozen mud. (18) I stood there touching the back of my palm and exhaling warm air toward it as I realized some small bloody cracks on it. (24) The sky was unhappy and quiet. (6) Its only gift was the first snowfall which fell on my hardened, cold hand. (14)
Back in early April of 2007,I was 36 years old, sharing a room with another tenant in a three–story townhouse several blocks away from the Public Market in Richmond . After landed here from China, I became a student again with a bunch of the other immigrations studying English since 15 years ago I left school entering the workplace as a career woman. I remember one day walking along a path of a nearby park with the tenant after dinner on a chilly early spring . We strolled there talking hopes and fears as two new comers with nothing in this country. A sudden hail hit the ground and pond. We stood under a tree gazed into the grey sky , the only gift given on that cold evening was changeable and unpredictable.
Back in middle August of 1989, (6 words) I was 22 years old, (5 words) graduated from Dalian Institute of Technology University and went back to my hometown located in the capital city of Liaoning province. (21 words) I got a job in a large machine factory that was famous at that time and settled as an entry- level engineer in an assembling department which located in the far end of the factory. (34 words) Accompanying by the department manager, I first walked through some paralleling machines that were giant and appeared mystery. (18 words) I was led to my office later by following many fossil metal stairs that stretched up all the way to the corner of the building. (24 words) The lights were high and dazzling, (6 words) The only sound that I could hear was the crushing, buzzing and blasting noises. (14words) -128 words
Back in early September of 2011, I was 16 years old, living with my parents and kid brother in a nice townhouse just a few kilometres away from New Westminster Secondary School. (32) I had a job to go to school and get good grades to get accepted into college while trying to maintain my academic life with my social life when all I wanted was to sleep. (35) I remember leaving the house and running out to catch the bus with all the other early birds. (18) I waited at the bus stop with a few friends hoping that the 104 would come early so that we could get seats. (24) The mornings were cold and bright. (6) The only gift that made it sure it was not going to rain later. (14)
Beauty
Back in the summer of 2005, I was 24 years old, returning to my country with my stomach in knots because I was from El Salvador ,but I never grew up there. (32 words) Scare about how life was going to be in that place that was unknown for me not having someone to rely on, being around to people I didn’t know, and without a job to go. (35 words) I remember when I arrive to the International Airport of El Salvador the weather was so fire hot.(18 words) There was my sister in-law waiting for me she had to have a picture of me to recognized who I was of all.(24 words) The sky looked dark and dense.(6 words) The trip back to her house was uncomfortable everything seem different to me.14 words)
128 words
Back in mid-June of 2013, I was 19 years old, just chilling at home with these unfortunate cookies and ginger ale and not knowing what to do yet with the summer season. (32 words) I had acquired a position in Produce Department at Wal-Mart, but I was so lazy to show my butt out there, just yet, to give my availability so that I could start working for them. (35 words) I remember turning on the television and switching up channels, only to discover it was the Game 6. (18 words) I stood there in front of this outdated television with my heartbeat racing and pounding as I awaited the pixels to settle down harmlessly. (24 words) My television was definitely not fancy. (6 words) The only gift given on that day was the screen forgot how to fuzz. (14 words)
Back in early July of 2009, I was 16 years old, living with my parents, older sister and my lovable dog all the while possessing no real appreciation towards life or its beauties. (33 words) I was going camping with a few of my good friends at bluey lake just outside the quaint town of Merritt and finally arrived at the camp spot after a long day of driving. (35 words) I remember standing before the pristine sunlit lake only to see that bluey lake was not actually blue. (18 words) The lake was an alluring shade of green and to see the full oxymoron I raced up an elusive mountainside filled with treacherous loose rocks. (25 words) I didn’t care about the risks. (6 words) I could see more and more the higher I climbed up. (11 words)
Back in late July of 1993, I was 10 years old, traveling with my parents and relatives on a*ADO bus going to a National Park a 350 kilometres far from the city.(32 words)I had an assignment from school visiting one of the features of the park called the “caves” that were the largest cave systems in the word and formed under oceans millions years ago.(34words) I remember entering the caves and admiring the great different white mineral rock formations raising the ceiling.(17words) I stood there gasping in the dim light as I asked to my father to capture a dog form-rock with his classic instant camera.(24words) The atmosphere was suffocating and stunning. (6words) The only gift given that summer day was an underground paradise lacking fresh air.(14words)
127 -words
* one of the most important Mexican bus companies
Back to early August of 2001, I was 18 years old, living with my mother and sister in a two-room apartment a few blocks away from where I live now. I had a job taking care of computers for customers and all-night gamers at the internet café on Robson Street where beside the tea place where I used to go for a cup of tea long time ago. I remember leaving my duty behind and playing games with my enthusiastic friends of mine. I sat there exhilarating with my friends as I am just another internet café customer, who is ready to stay awake all night. My boss was bad and mean. However, it was just another day of indiscreet teenager boy who is not afraid of anything.
(128 words)
Back in the spring of 1988, I was almost 19 years old, living with my loving parents and younger sister in the heart of the port city on the Sea of Japan. (32 words) As there was two month before the entrance exams to the local Far East University, I was enjoying the early spring and a brief freedom fluttering like a carefree bird in a sunny day. (35 words) I remember leaving a house with a huge backpack on my shoulders trying to balance with a smile. (18 words) I stood trembling near the cave’s edge as I knew about some dangers and accidents had happened inside the Underground Kingdom from experienced speleologists. (24 words) The descent was mysterious and alluring. (6 words) The special gift that memorable day was a reliable safety rope around my waist.(14 words)
Back in mid August of 2013, I was 22 years old, living with my two roommates in a tiny cramped apartment in the slums of Whalley a few minutes from my work. (32 words) I had a job working as a line cook for a brand new chic restaurant called Browns Socialhouse located in the historical Brewery District of New Westminster once titled as British Columbia’s capital city. (34 words) I remember the excitement I had on my last shift before leaving for my vacation to Las Vegas. (18 words) I stood there in the blistering heat of the kitchen and counted down the minutes until I would be released from my daily routine. (24 words) Excitement began to overpower the exhaustion. (6 words) The only gift given this shift was I was one step closer to freedom. (14 words)
Back in later December of 1984, I was 13 years old, living with my parents and my brother in a three—room condo just close to the campus of my father working for. I had terrible mark in chemistry in the final exam of the last semester of my middle school which it would be the first winter vocation of the first year of the coming next sixty—year round. I remember leaving the school and walking across a supermarket to back home with firecrackers shattered around. I stood there searching around my pockets to look for some changes to prepare buy some my favorite firecrackers for New Years Eve. The sky was blue and clear. Its only gift that winter day was snow covered all the buildings. (128 words)
Back in mid summer of 2012, I was 22 years old, living alone in a 1 bedroom basement suite of an older style home in the hastings-sunrise area close to the downtown core of Vancouver.(36 words) I had a job working a few blocks away, at Hastings Park as an assistant trainer, for a significant thoroughbred horse trainer by the name of Greg Tracy.
(27 words) I remember waking up everyday at 3:30 in the morning before the sun has rose. (15 words) I stood there in my wranglers and boots, gazing down the row of remarkable and athletic looking horses watching the grooms get prepared for a busy day. (27 words) The sky was clear and starry. (6 words) Its only gift that summer day was knowing the cool morning dawn would soon be a radiant afternoon. (18 words)
-129 words
Back in early summer of 2012, I was 16 year old, living with my mom and my four older sister in a three(23)
room, beautiful place a few kilometer down the road from here. i had a job working at pizza store, a pizza(21)place right around the corner just short stretch of street just down the hill from where this school was my first school in Canada.(24) I remember leaving the house and walking out to by the street on the warm sunny day. i stood there warm in my Gucci t shirt (25) sweating as i waited to be picked up by a driver that was working as a delivery guy. the sky was clean and blue. It was only that day i was excited go to work.(35)
128 word
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